I'm not old!!

Today on the way home from work I get a text from Greg (the maybe boyfriend... or the I want to be boyfriend.. but that is a whole other post) saying we are old because he is exhausted everyday after work.  I assure him that old was all in perception and we were not old.  Tonight in front of the bathroom mirror before bed I found my first gray hair and my heart sank... I am old..... 

New Year's, New Beginning?

People throw around the term soulmate alot, normally they are only referring to a person that shares their interests or that occasionally can finish their sentences.  I thought that maybe someone besides me would be interested to know what it really means, well it's intended meaning anyway.  The term goes back to Plato who wrote that in the beginning (remember you have to turn off the Genesis portion of your brain right now!) human beings had 4 arms, 4 legs, and two faces.  --stop laughing that's not what he meant by two faces lol--  The Gods became jealous of these beings and felt they were too powerful and that someday they could pose a credible threat to Zeus and others on Mt. Olympus, the emphasis was mostly on the fact that the Gods grew jealous because these beings were a true whole who required no mate, everything they required to live out a contented life was issued them upon their birth.  Image for a moment what that means, no searching for love, no wondering if you chose the right person, you would simply be born as one with the person who would complete your life's journey beside you. In certain ways it is very romantic, gives you a feeling of security no doubt.  Myself it seems a little disappointing that there was no search, no hope for what your mate might be, no mystery of attraction, courtship, and trials.

Anyway the Gods came up with a way to fix the creatures that they would be less powerful and not at all a threat to the Gods.  In an act of vengeance Zeus ordered  that the beings being seperated to give them 2 arms, 2 legs, and one face and then scattered the halfs all over the world leaving the new beings to wander the world seaching for their other half..... Their SOULMATE forver.


I came home tonight with the intention of blogging about something funny that happened yesterday but though I feel it is something I have to share something else seems more appropriate tonight (so keep checking back for the funniest true story ever in a couple days).

6 short years ago

do you remember where you were exactly 6 years ago at this moment?  for most people i am sure the answer is probably asleep or no i don't remember.  i remember exactly where i was and everyone who was there with me, the 2 hours and 45 mins that were about to pass at 12:03am on November 23, 2005 would change my life and theirs (to lesser degrees) forever.  i was being rushed out of my hospital room after hours of unproductive labor into the operating room at Fort Sanders Regional Medical Center for an emergency C-section.  thank God for the fact that i was medicated to the point of not really being able to think the situation through, and after hours of labor at that moment they could have told me they were taking me to board the space shuttle and i would have nodded.  Bayley Amanda Gill was born at 2:48am, and no other momma could ever have been so happy to hear a strong, squeaky cry.  at 4 weeks premature my idiot OBGYN had given me every reason to be terrified that cry might not come on it's own and from what i remember of the faces around the room of my doctor, the nurses, the anesthesiologist, and the pediatric pulmonary doctor from Children's Hospital who was standing watch you would have thought we were all at the crucial turning point of a John Grisham novel.  i don't let myself think about all the different paths that had been laid out that night, the possibilities are too much to bare just as they were that night as i floated in and out of consciousness inside the operating room.

the world has changed so much since that night that i am sure the person i was when i entered that OR would not recognize it if she were here.

Happy 6th Birthday Little Princess!

First Dates, Single isn't so bad

Society beats into us our entire life that we are simply not complete until we have a spouse. So 4 years after my divorce I decided to fully put myself out there, I met a nice guy we had alot in common... etc etc. So we made a date.. a full week in advance. Sounds great in theory right? 3 or 4 days prior to the date I even took myself shopping so the "what do i wear?" question was answered. we picked a restaurant in advance to avoid the 'what do you wanna do? i don't know what do you wanna do?'. I was excited this was a real grown up date with a plan!! 2 days before the date we had a series of arguments (the origin of which are under debate) and suddenly every lifetime movie, crime drama, after school special started to spin in my head. I didn't really know this guy, what if he was a serial killer or a rapist? Of course none of these thoughts were rational but by the time the day of the date rolled around i was on the verge of a panic attack even as I was getting ready and almost called it off several times during the day.
Logically my panic and fear response had almost nothing to do with the person I was going out with but with the social implications of a date... the millions of What Ifs. What if he doesn't like me? Or possibly even more terrifying, what if he does? For two years I have had a can of pepper spray in the console of my car and had practically forgotten about it, in my insane paranoia on the way to the restaurant I dug it out, read the directions and put it in my purse. The date went wonderfully, he was smart, funny, polite, just like i rationally knew that he would be. So the panic response wasn't really about him as much as dating in general, there is just too much pressure involved, especially after 30. It's like before you even go on a date people ask you if you ever want to get married again or if you think you would like to have more children and if you give the wrong answers they delete you from their phone book and move on to someone else hoping to complete their 'checklist' before they reach 40. This race to the finish leaves no real time to get to know one another, no mystery to dating (because they ask you every imaginable question in the first week and by the time of the date you have nothing left to talk about).
So even though I had a good time and he is a great guy. I wonder if I am truly ready for this? At least being single I feel secure enough to not carry my pepper spray! So here's to adventures in dating... hopefully more to come!

Have you ever been reading a book and suddenly there are the words you have been fumbling for in black and white? You probably have but today was the first time it has happened to me! As you can tell from my blog.. (haha I am now addressing myself about myself) I am not not an eloquent writer by any means. So here is the quote by one of my favorite authors:

“He’s ruined. Do you understand the difference? With broken, maybe
you can fix things. Ruined? All you can do is wait to bury him.” -JR Ward

June 10

It's no secret that I have been quietly counting down til June 10, just as i do every year. My mother died on June 10, 1986 when I was 5 years old. Bayley will be 5 years old in November, although i know in reality the two events are not predestined to be linked I still have these nights when I beg God not to take me from my baby the way he took my mommy from me 24 years ago. I pray everyday and night that my baby can live a long and happy life and one that includes her mother. The loss of my mother was the most traumatic experience of my life, then followed immediately by the departure of my father. If anything were to happen to me, now or ever, I only hope that my friends will not allow her be shuffled around and treated like a burden. For she was never any burden to me. The only right thing to do if something happened would be for her father to settle down and provide her a good home and education where she could be a part of a family. That's what i was thinking as i was sitting on the edge of her bed watching her sleep.
My greatest prayer for my baby girl is that she never has to wake up in the middle of the night with no momma to hold like i did. I know this may sound a little morbid but tomorrow is the day and all our ages just seem to match up, so i could not let this go on and not address the issue. Just in case I want to say that I love my sweet baby girl more than life itself and hopefully I will be able to be there for her throughout her life, in a way my mother could not be for me.

Are we there yet?

Are we there yet? Although I have not yet determined where "there" is, I am relatively certain the answer is a resounding NO!!! Not to say that I am not enjoying the journey but the suspense is getting old. There doesn't seem to be any right answers anymore... and all the people I trusted enough to ask are gone. Never imagined the day would come when I missed S telling me to get my head out of my ass! Days like today I can hear his voice in my head, "Now friend....", he could always make doing the right thing sound so simple!
'

We cross our bridges when we come to them and burn them behind us, with nothing to show for our progress except a memory of the smell of smoke, and a presumption that once our eyes watered. -Tom Stoppard