new friends

i had almost forgotten why i avoid having more than one or two close friends! new friends means new drama and playing the 6 degrees game all over again (which i really suck at). now if you are not from a small town then you may not be familiar with this game so i will explain, this is the part of any relationship where you are still learning who they know, don't know, are related too, dated in the past, hate with a passion, etc. the purpose of this game is to not offend the person or say something to them about your ex-boyfriends new girlfriend being white trash only to find out she is your new best friends sister or summer camp roommate! is this really necessary? actually the question i am dying to ask is, is this really worth it?

fear, disappointment, pain 9/29/08

There are only 3 constants in this world: fear, disappointment, and pain! Any other emotions we experience are fleeting and the only comfort we have are the return of these 3. The fear keeps me alert and on my guard, ever vigilant in my search for the underlying flaws that are bound to exist in all of us. In most cases they aren't hard to find, jealousy, hatred, bitterness, anger.. all hiding just below the surface of each damaged heart and soul... The comfort comes in the pain, the relief of knowing that the dangerous has passed and it settles around me like a familiar fog pulling me back inside myself.. back to the place where i belong. The pretty liars cloaked by the pretty lies that hide their true hideous selves. Our lies are the glue that hold together all the broken pieces so that from a distance we appear whole but the closer we draw to one another the more obvious it becomes that important parts are missing and unraveling at the seams. This world preaches faith to beings who have no right to it. We are all broken and tired yet we push on repeating the same mistakes day after day only to yield the same bitter fruits.


Children don't have to read fairy tales to know that dragons exist. They know dragons exist already. A fairytale tells children that dragons can be killed.
-G.K. Chesterton

Faith 1/22/09

It absolutely amazes me how ....................resilient human beings are! We can survive numerous natural disasters, war, death, disease, starvation, sleep deprivation, physical torture and still by nature want to believe that
good will prevail over evil.. We don't want to believe it, we need to
believe it. We need hope as much as we need air. Human beings need to have
faith in something greater than themselves in order to push on through
the everyday trials we face. When we lose that hope or that faith
nothing can save us, just as when we find that hope we can withstand
impossible conditions and insurmountable odds. I have foolishly placed
my hope in the person least likely to preserve it. I have placed my
fragile faith in the hands of a self proclaimed destroyer and in many
ways have let them banish me to my own private hell.

"For a man with faith, no explanation is necessary. Yet for a man without faith, none would be sufficient!"

Here's to us..

Here's to all those girls who used to be his number one. The ones who waited all night for him to call, only to check the caller ID the next morning and be disappointed. The ones who made it through that bitter break up, dried your own tears, and moved on with your life, only to have him walk back in it months later like nothing ever happened. Those of you who cried on the first day you talked again because you knew exactly where this phone call was going. The ones who listened to him say, I only want to be your friend, one day, and the next, listened to him say how much he loves and misses you. We deserve something, and this is our tribute. Here's to the ones that took him back, hoping that maybe this time, he was different, hoping that maybe people really do change. We listened to our friends tell us that we were stupid for even thinking about giving him another chance, caught shit from our parents, and even snuck around to see him for a while. We went through the great stage with no fights all over again. We started this out thinking it would be just friends, and ended up falling in love with him again. We wanted nothing more in the world than to hear him tell us he loved us too, that even though things were bad in the past, they would be different this time. And when we finally heard it, it was like we were dreaming. This is for us. Here's to the ones who believed what he said, sat around all over again waiting for a phone call that might come in a few hours, or a few days. Here's for the tears cried and dried all over again. We wanted so desperately to believe that he was really busy, he couldn't possibly call us at that moment, or even that he fell asleep early. We trained ourselves to believe the lies because we wanted to believe we had found the one for us. We learned to SETTLE for someone who didn't treat us the way we should be treated. Here's to the ones who never believed it when people told us there might be someone else. We just couldn't believe that he could do this to us again. This is for those great girls, who loved him more than words can say, and took him back no matter what happened last time because they couldn't bear to look back on their lives one day and wonder "what if". This is for the girls that stayed up all night long listening to him whine about an ex girlfriend who cheated on him, and cried during the entire conversation. The ones who hoped he would realize that he deserved better, that he deserved us. When he said that he loved you, but he was in love with her, he didn't mean it. This is for the ones that held on to something that was never there to begin with...this is for us!!