Tuesday, November 22, 2011

6 short years ago

do you remember where you were exactly 6 years ago at this moment?  for most people i am sure the answer is probably asleep or no i don't remember.  i remember exactly where i was and everyone who was there with me, the 2 hours and 45 mins that were about to pass at 12:03am on November 23, 2005 would change my life and theirs (to lesser degrees) forever.  i was being rushed out of my hospital room after hours of unproductive labor into the operating room at Fort Sanders Regional Medical Center for an emergency C-section.  thank God for the fact that i was medicated to the point of not really being able to think the situation through, and after hours of labor at that moment they could have told me they were taking me to board the space shuttle and i would have nodded.  Bayley Amanda Gill was born at 2:48am, and no other momma could ever have been so happy to hear a strong, squeaky cry.  at 4 weeks premature my idiot OBGYN had given me every reason to be terrified that cry might not come on it's own and from what i remember of the faces around the room of my doctor, the nurses, the anesthesiologist, and the pediatric pulmonary doctor from Children's Hospital who was standing watch you would have thought we were all at the crucial turning point of a John Grisham novel.  i don't let myself think about all the different paths that had been laid out that night, the possibilities are too much to bare just as they were that night as i floated in and out of consciousness inside the operating room.

the world has changed so much since that night that i am sure the person i was when i entered that OR would not recognize it if she were here.

Happy 6th Birthday Little Princess!

Sunday, July 31, 2011

First Dates, Single isn't so bad

Society beats into us our entire life that we are simply not complete until we have a spouse. So 4 years after my divorce I decided to fully put myself out there, I met a nice guy we had alot in common... etc etc. So we made a date.. a full week in advance. Sounds great in theory right? 3 or 4 days prior to the date I even took myself shopping so the "what do i wear?" question was answered. we picked a restaurant in advance to avoid the 'what do you wanna do? i don't know what do you wanna do?'. I was excited this was a real grown up date with a plan!! 2 days before the date we had a series of arguments (the origin of which are under debate) and suddenly every lifetime movie, crime drama, after school special started to spin in my head. I didn't really know this guy, what if he was a serial killer or a rapist? Of course none of these thoughts were rational but by the time the day of the date rolled around i was on the verge of a panic attack even as I was getting ready and almost called it off several times during the day.
Logically my panic and fear response had almost nothing to do with the person I was going out with but with the social implications of a date... the millions of What Ifs. What if he doesn't like me? Or possibly even more terrifying, what if he does? For two years I have had a can of pepper spray in the console of my car and had practically forgotten about it, in my insane paranoia on the way to the restaurant I dug it out, read the directions and put it in my purse. The date went wonderfully, he was smart, funny, polite, just like i rationally knew that he would be. So the panic response wasn't really about him as much as dating in general, there is just too much pressure involved, especially after 30. It's like before you even go on a date people ask you if you ever want to get married again or if you think you would like to have more children and if you give the wrong answers they delete you from their phone book and move on to someone else hoping to complete their 'checklist' before they reach 40. This race to the finish leaves no real time to get to know one another, no mystery to dating (because they ask you every imaginable question in the first week and by the time of the date you have nothing left to talk about).
So even though I had a good time and he is a great guy. I wonder if I am truly ready for this? At least being single I feel secure enough to not carry my pepper spray! So here's to adventures in dating... hopefully more to come!