Have you ever been reading a book and suddenly there are the words you have been fumbling for in black and white? You probably have but today was the first time it has happened to me! As you can tell from my blog.. (haha I am now addressing myself about myself) I am not not an eloquent writer by any means. So here is the quote by one of my favorite authors:

“He’s ruined. Do you understand the difference? With broken, maybe
you can fix things. Ruined? All you can do is wait to bury him.” -JR Ward

June 10

It's no secret that I have been quietly counting down til June 10, just as i do every year. My mother died on June 10, 1986 when I was 5 years old. Bayley will be 5 years old in November, although i know in reality the two events are not predestined to be linked I still have these nights when I beg God not to take me from my baby the way he took my mommy from me 24 years ago. I pray everyday and night that my baby can live a long and happy life and one that includes her mother. The loss of my mother was the most traumatic experience of my life, then followed immediately by the departure of my father. If anything were to happen to me, now or ever, I only hope that my friends will not allow her be shuffled around and treated like a burden. For she was never any burden to me. The only right thing to do if something happened would be for her father to settle down and provide her a good home and education where she could be a part of a family. That's what i was thinking as i was sitting on the edge of her bed watching her sleep.
My greatest prayer for my baby girl is that she never has to wake up in the middle of the night with no momma to hold like i did. I know this may sound a little morbid but tomorrow is the day and all our ages just seem to match up, so i could not let this go on and not address the issue. Just in case I want to say that I love my sweet baby girl more than life itself and hopefully I will be able to be there for her throughout her life, in a way my mother could not be for me.

Are we there yet?

Are we there yet? Although I have not yet determined where "there" is, I am relatively certain the answer is a resounding NO!!! Not to say that I am not enjoying the journey but the suspense is getting old. There doesn't seem to be any right answers anymore... and all the people I trusted enough to ask are gone. Never imagined the day would come when I missed S telling me to get my head out of my ass! Days like today I can hear his voice in my head, "Now friend....", he could always make doing the right thing sound so simple!
'

We cross our bridges when we come to them and burn them behind us, with nothing to show for our progress except a memory of the smell of smoke, and a presumption that once our eyes watered. -Tom Stoppard

losing you

When you lose someone you think that everyday it will get a little easier, that there will be a turn around where the good days out weigh the bad again. You assume that the worst is over that they can only be taken from you once. So far that hasn’t been the case… I lose you again every morning when I wake up, when I turn over and still half asleep expect you to be on the other side of my bed. I lose you every time something good happens and I automatically pick up the phone because I would have shared it with you. Each time the pain cuts through me again just like the day I lost you and I curse you for ever coming back if you couldn’t stay, I curse myself for ever letting you in.