Have you ever been reading a book and suddenly there are the words you have been fumbling for in black and white? You probably have but today was the first time it has happened to me! As you can tell from my blog.. (haha I am now addressing myself about myself) I am not not an eloquent writer by any means. So here is the quote by one of my favorite authors:

“He’s ruined. Do you understand the difference? With broken, maybe
you can fix things. Ruined? All you can do is wait to bury him.” -JR Ward

June 10

It's no secret that I have been quietly counting down til June 10, just as i do every year. My mother died on June 10, 1986 when I was 5 years old. Bayley will be 5 years old in November, although i know in reality the two events are not predestined to be linked I still have these nights when I beg God not to take me from my baby the way he took my mommy from me 24 years ago. I pray everyday and night that my baby can live a long and happy life and one that includes her mother. The loss of my mother was the most traumatic experience of my life, then followed immediately by the departure of my father. If anything were to happen to me, now or ever, I only hope that my friends will not allow her be shuffled around and treated like a burden. For she was never any burden to me. The only right thing to do if something happened would be for her father to settle down and provide her a good home and education where she could be a part of a family. That's what i was thinking as i was sitting on the edge of her bed watching her sleep.
My greatest prayer for my baby girl is that she never has to wake up in the middle of the night with no momma to hold like i did. I know this may sound a little morbid but tomorrow is the day and all our ages just seem to match up, so i could not let this go on and not address the issue. Just in case I want to say that I love my sweet baby girl more than life itself and hopefully I will be able to be there for her throughout her life, in a way my mother could not be for me.

Are we there yet?

Are we there yet? Although I have not yet determined where "there" is, I am relatively certain the answer is a resounding NO!!! Not to say that I am not enjoying the journey but the suspense is getting old. There doesn't seem to be any right answers anymore... and all the people I trusted enough to ask are gone. Never imagined the day would come when I missed S telling me to get my head out of my ass! Days like today I can hear his voice in my head, "Now friend....", he could always make doing the right thing sound so simple!
'

We cross our bridges when we come to them and burn them behind us, with nothing to show for our progress except a memory of the smell of smoke, and a presumption that once our eyes watered. -Tom Stoppard

losing you

When you lose someone you think that everyday it will get a little easier, that there will be a turn around where the good days out weigh the bad again. You assume that the worst is over that they can only be taken from you once. So far that hasn’t been the case… I lose you again every morning when I wake up, when I turn over and still half asleep expect you to be on the other side of my bed. I lose you every time something good happens and I automatically pick up the phone because I would have shared it with you. Each time the pain cuts through me again just like the day I lost you and I curse you for ever coming back if you couldn’t stay, I curse myself for ever letting you in.

new friends

i had almost forgotten why i avoid having more than one or two close friends! new friends means new drama and playing the 6 degrees game all over again (which i really suck at). now if you are not from a small town then you may not be familiar with this game so i will explain, this is the part of any relationship where you are still learning who they know, don't know, are related too, dated in the past, hate with a passion, etc. the purpose of this game is to not offend the person or say something to them about your ex-boyfriends new girlfriend being white trash only to find out she is your new best friends sister or summer camp roommate! is this really necessary? actually the question i am dying to ask is, is this really worth it?

fear, disappointment, pain 9/29/08

There are only 3 constants in this world: fear, disappointment, and pain! Any other emotions we experience are fleeting and the only comfort we have are the return of these 3. The fear keeps me alert and on my guard, ever vigilant in my search for the underlying flaws that are bound to exist in all of us. In most cases they aren't hard to find, jealousy, hatred, bitterness, anger.. all hiding just below the surface of each damaged heart and soul... The comfort comes in the pain, the relief of knowing that the dangerous has passed and it settles around me like a familiar fog pulling me back inside myself.. back to the place where i belong. The pretty liars cloaked by the pretty lies that hide their true hideous selves. Our lies are the glue that hold together all the broken pieces so that from a distance we appear whole but the closer we draw to one another the more obvious it becomes that important parts are missing and unraveling at the seams. This world preaches faith to beings who have no right to it. We are all broken and tired yet we push on repeating the same mistakes day after day only to yield the same bitter fruits.


Children don't have to read fairy tales to know that dragons exist. They know dragons exist already. A fairytale tells children that dragons can be killed.
-G.K. Chesterton

Faith 1/22/09

It absolutely amazes me how ....................resilient human beings are! We can survive numerous natural disasters, war, death, disease, starvation, sleep deprivation, physical torture and still by nature want to believe that
good will prevail over evil.. We don't want to believe it, we need to
believe it. We need hope as much as we need air. Human beings need to have
faith in something greater than themselves in order to push on through
the everyday trials we face. When we lose that hope or that faith
nothing can save us, just as when we find that hope we can withstand
impossible conditions and insurmountable odds. I have foolishly placed
my hope in the person least likely to preserve it. I have placed my
fragile faith in the hands of a self proclaimed destroyer and in many
ways have let them banish me to my own private hell.

"For a man with faith, no explanation is necessary. Yet for a man without faith, none would be sufficient!"